Sports, flames, and chili-mac

For those of you who keep telling me “update your blog”, “write more”, “you have to keep us informed as to what you are doing”…this one’s for you. This is along one, let me just warn you to start. So grab a large cup of coffee with an extra shot, make sure you’re comfortable, and get ready to read for awhile. While not a lot has been happening this week besides the usual, I’ve decided to recap the Olympic Games opening ceremonies for those of you who had the pleasure of missing it. If you missed it, count yourself lucky because it was a long one. First I’ll recap my work week since that is oh so interesting.

Let’s see. I first walked in on Monday to see that I had 12 patients…yes 12. I almost had an aneurism right then and there. Explain to me how a single person can see 12 patients in an 8 hour day and I’m all ears. So with a few minutes of planning I busted out 12 treatment sessions, a few were in groups, and was done for the day. I was hoping that this would be the only wild and crazy day, however it was just the start of a busy work week. It was hectic and a little tiring, but my productivity was over the top…which should mean a raise coming in my next assignment! 2 of my favorite patients left. You can’t help but get attached to a few. One lady cracked me up each day. When we went to go make coffee as part of her treatment (yeah, I get paid to do this) she said “I don’t know how to make coffee” to which I replied “neither do I, Starbucks usually does it for me”. So we went over and read the directions and attempted to make a good cup of coffee…which neither of us drank. Afterwards she said that if I had given her a bottle of beer she could pass that test in showing me how to open it! The other patient of mine has a pretty interesting story on why he is in the nursing home…let’s just say it’s amazing he’s still alive and he’s only in his 50’s. Every day we would do therapy while talking about books and photography. Before he left he gave me 3 of his pictures that he’s taken as a thank you for helping him. Photography is a hobby of his…a hobby in which he’s good at. So I have a few more pictures to hang up in my empty apartment. While I’m going to miss each of them and sorry to see them go, I’m also happy that they get to go home, and so are they. So a busy week, but a week in which I realized that I really do like my job once again.

So a Friday night…what to do? Do I go out on the town and live it up with every other person in this city? Maybe I could drive up north to San Francisco to see what’s going on, but I choose to stay home. I know, boring. But come on, I am tired and I deserve to sit like a lump on the couch and do nothing. I have the exciting night planed of eating chili-mac and watching a movie. What is chili-mac you ask? It is a combination of macaroni and cheese with a can of chili…I know what you’re thinking…disgusting. I once believed this to be true as well when my friend Bree introduced it to me until I tasted it. Damn, it’s pretty good stuff! Not something I would eat every night, but every once in awhile when you aren’t wanting to cook a huge meal and just want to eat something somewhat good…go for it! I have told a few people about this nasty looking concoction, and they too have doubted me until they have tried it and became believers. So there you go!

So I made my disgusting sounding dinner (and yes mom had a vegetable) and sat on the couch and watched a movie. It was a chick flick that I won’t even bother going into detail of what it was about because no one really cares. After 90 minutes of romantic comedy where you knew what was going to happen in the end I turned it off only to flip through the channels to see what else was on. Now having premium cable you would figure something has to be on. I even have HBO and still nothing! I don’t really know how many times I can watch Miss Congeniality 2 without screaming. I contemplate going to bed since I’m tired from working and working out but realize that it’s only 9:00 when I flip onto channel 3 to see…what’s this? The 20th Olympic winter games opening ceremonies. Every 2 years I think I’m not going to watch this because it’s too long and usually pretty boring, but every year I get sucked into it thinking this year it won’t be so bad. But it always is. However there is nothing else on, so I can either stay up and watch this or I can go to bed. But considering I’m not ready for bed and it’s only 9:00, I choose to watch the hilarity that is about to happen.

The Olympics…a time where the world comes together for a dose of healthy athletic competition and everyone marvels at the athletic talent that each country has. Or where countries compete to the death to see who is actually the better country with their athletic ability and can rub it in the faces of every other country in the world. Good times!

So I’ve missed the first hour, actually kind of stoked at this point since when I came into the program the first thing I see is a bunch of people dancing around in costumes with cow print on them. Not sure who chose these outfits, but whatever. Wait…what’s this?! Now there are people pulling giant paper mache cows around in circles along side the dancers in cow print garb. Interesting. I for one would maybe forgo the dancing cows, but that’s just me.

We’ve moved on from the cow dance to a large group in rain ponchos and REI headlamps making some sort of figure on the floor all while the music overhead sounds like Darth Vader. This is weird…but I’m still watching.

We’ve moved on and now they are playing the Rocky theme while people are dancing and shaking their money maker. Is Stallone coming out of the back with the torch? Are we gonna have boxing? What is this? I’m confused.

We’ve moved on from Rocky to a bunch of people shooting tons of glitter out of giant guns. Is this the Blue Man Group in Vegas or the Olympics? Still not sure what I’m watching.


What the hell?! Now there are flaming rollerbladers going around the arena, and I don’t mean gay men in red tights, who knows…they could be gay, there’s nothing wrong with that. But seriously, there are men rollerblading around in red uni-tards (I will take a second for everyone to laugh at the fact that I said uni-tard). They each have a bicycle helmet on that has flames coming out of the top. I’m not really sure what the significance is of this, but it looks like a kick ass roller derby.

As I watched the flaming rollerbladers I came to the conclusion that each year the Olympic committee for the particular country the Olympics are held in, try to outdo the amazement that was done years before, when and yet they are just more and more ridiculous. Every time the Olympics come up I think “oh, they’ve won the Gold for this embarrassment” and yet I’m always proven wrong every two years.

The rollerbladers have exited the stadium. I’m a little saddened. I was hoping they were going to do some tricks or something really really cool, but instead they just rolled around and left. And now we are left with people on scaffolding doing some Cirque du soleil act. It’s looking like they are doing some sort of sexual position on a high wire…not that I would know. I usually don’t take my act on a high wire, but maybe I should try it?! You should always try something at least once I suppose. Sorry, I went a little off track there. Anyway, they are moving around on a high wire to music that is a little scary sounding…and yet I’m still watching.

After an hour of watching the bizarre dance routine the countries start parading in. I honestly thought that since I came to this show an hour after it already started I had missed this part. Damn it! I didn’t. So now I’m stuck watching countless countries walk in as 3 different people announce the country in 3 different languages while Bob Costas and Brian Williams commentate on the whole thing. The only thing that makes this whole experience worse than the fact that I didn’t miss it is that as they all walk in they are playing disco music overhead. Now I’m a fan of music, pretty much all of it, but I can only take so much disco…and it just seems to cheapen the whole Olympic experience…although maybe the flaming hats did that earlier. You would think they would play some music of distinction, but I think that was used on the cows on wheels. This will be fun.

The only time I enjoy watching each country parade in is when there is a country that has 1 or 2 people representing. I usually root for them for the fact that it is kind of pathetic looking in a way but also really sweet and makes you want to be happy for them that they are there.

Whoa! They just showed a lady in lots of fir sitting in the stands. I ignore Bob and Brian as they explain who it is because I’m horrified at the fact that there is an animal big enough to make a hat, coat, gloves, and boots for this lady. Even if there is one big enough, I’m thinking it’s a little overdone. But then again I’m not rich and sitting at the Olympics.

As we go through the alphabet of countries I tune in just in time to hear Bob tell me they are going to commercial and we won’t miss a single country in this parade of nations…even when we break away, we will continue where we left off. Crap. Is there a fast forward button on this remote?

As we come back from the commercial break I start to notice the fashion of some of these nations. I’m not about to make fun of the ones that are wearing clothing that symbolizes their heritage and their countries beliefs, but the ones that aren’t symbolizing anything…fare game. First up: Austria. What in the hell do they have on their heads? Their hats look like a chia pet growing from the top. Red knit hats with black fir sprouting from their cranium. Not sure I would wear this no matter how cold I was.

Commercial break. I can’t get too excited as I know it will pick up where we left off. Even in a time of world togetherness, we still have to take a commercial break so that companies can make their money selling us phone services and cars.

Ok we’re back. Here comes Azerbaijan. At this point I realize I need to go and buy a globe so I can see where all these countries are. I should brush up on my geography anyway.
We went from disco to Michael Jackson as Belgium walks in. At least it’s good old school Michael, that I can tolerate.

Bermuda! First country to come out with one athlete! I do a little silent cheer for him and wish him luck! Walk tall man, walk tall! He is not only the lone athlete but the flag barer as well. He probably has to gas up his own plane as well when he leaves. But at least he’s there competing…in what I’m not sure.

I find the ramblings of Bob Costas and Brian Williams mind numbing and horrific. I am pretty much tuning them out, but at times realize I’m listening to “facts” that will really get me nowhere in life, unless I’m on some game show that has useless knowledge questions, maybe I should listen up…this could be my ticket to millions.


Oh here come our neighbors to the North. Those crazy Canadians! Here I come Vancouver 2010! You bet your ass I’m heading north to watch some healthy Olympic competition, anyone up for a road trip? However I may be busy fulfilling my goal of Seagal…although I’ll be 29, so that might be a little old for a Seagal, I’ll have to check on that.

Commercial break.


Man, this thing has been going for almost 2 hours. Is it over yet?! Holy crap! I just looked at my cable and see that it goes until midnight! What the hell! 4 hours of this?! I will just tell you now I will not be covering this whole event. I am freaking tired and have to go to bed at some point. I need my rest so I can go to the beach tomorrow…I know you all hate me for that comment.

Another fact by Brian, something about the largest Chinese team since a very long time ago. Blah, blah, blah. I will put that fact right behind the name of the guy that designed the winter coats for Chile.

I can't believe I'm watching this.

I wonder, when there is a country with only 3 people representing, how do they decide who is the flag barer? Do they have a rousing game of rock, paper, scissors…or do they leg wrestle each other and decide the winner? Just a thought, would be an interesting fact for Bob and Brian to come up with.

Now we’re onto some Latin disco type music. I need to get online and see if I can buy the 2006 Olympic soundtrack. This is some good shit!

We are only to the E’s. Good Lord!

Ethiopia…one athlete! Cheering for this country no matter what he’s competing in or who he’s competing against. You go!

Oh now we’re listening to “hot stuff”. I hate this song only for the fact that they play it every freaking day at work at 1:00 during the facilities “happy feet” time...don’t ask.

Commercial. “proud sponsor of the 2006 Olympic games” yeah, heard it already.

Ok, I came into the middle of Brian and Bob’s conversation and heard something about someone dating Miss France. Who the hell needs to know this?! What significance does this have when they are competing for gold? Does he get extra points for dating a beauty queen? Is this a new scoring system?

Whoa! Germany is wearing some interesting outfits. Green and orange hats complete with braids attached to the sides made out of yarn. Seriously, who is making money off this stuff? Maybe I should go into the fashion business. But I guess you wouldn’t expect anything less from a country that has David Hasselhoff printed on their money.

Japan goes with your basic white ski suite/jacket combination. However they look like tons of storm troopers coming out to attack the Germans with their crazy braids. Yes I made a Star Wars reference, this would be the second one over all. It will never happen again.

38% of the athletes are women this year…a fact I thought you should know.

Commerical. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Here comes Iran. Not much cheering going on here. Almost a dead silence. I think everyone is afraid to move or do anything at this point.

Brian just said Party Hardy… I think I need a drink.

Virgin Islands…remember when I was thinking of moving there for a job? Interesting how life works out. Maybe I should have gone, then I could be representing them in the Olympics along with the 5 others that are there.

We are up to the K’s. Still have 15 letters to go.

Kenya…one athlete! Getting teary eyed just for the story behind it. Reaching for the Kleenex.

Kyrgyzstan wearing some funky top hats, they look really stupid. I think they would look better with braids.

Interesting thought as all the athletes walk in. With all the money that goes into this thing, you would think they would have enough money to get chairs for the athletes once they walk into the stadium rather then making them sit on the floor. That can’t be good for their legs when they are expected to compete in a few hours…shin splints, Charlie horse…you name it, it’s an injury waiting to happen.

Another commercial break.

Madagascar…one athlete. Give it up for him people!

Now they are showing the governor of Massachusetts sitting in the crowd. Why would I want to see him? He may be a contender for the next presidential election evidently…I’ll believe it when I see it, but for now I don’t need to see it.

Oh fact time…Mexico doesn’t have a team for these winter games. Interesting but not surprising since it’s always 102 there.

YIKES! Mongolia’s hats are a combination of the Davy Crocket raccoon hat and a dead polar bear! They have the Germans beat on the hat thing. Just give them the gold medal for worst fashion right now…no need to go on.

Attempting to tune Bob and Brian out. I can’t take them anymore.

New Zealand…the dude carrying the flag is wearing a fur/feather cape. Oh those crazy Kiwis. I think it would be a good accessory for the hats by the Mongolians.

Ok, we’re to the P’s. I’m thinking there will only be 52 commercial breaks between the P’s and Z’s.

I want to go to bed but I feel a sense of civic duty to wait until the United States comes out. Why I’m not really sure, but I guess its right up there with voting. You don’t have to do it, but you really must.

Commercial.

Oh man I just realized that I have to stay up even later to watch how they get the torch to the giant flame. Normally I wouldn’t care, but again…it’s something that has to be topped every year in the insane game that is “who can light a torch the craziest?”

The village people singing the infamous YMCA. Do the Italians know disco has died?

Shut Bob and Brian up please.

Slovenia so far has the best wardrobe coming into this thing. They are a strong contender for best fashion this year. Pea cots, green scarves and normal hats. Classic and yet modern. Nicely done.

Oh here comes the United States! More cheers than boos. A close up of Lora Bush with way too much makeup on, but no fir hat. Now back to the athletes of the U.S. Leave it to the Americans to say and do something stupid in front of the cameras. You wouldn’t expect anything less.

A commercial again.

Ok, I’ve done my civic duty and watched the U.S. march in…I’m just waiting for the stupid torch, but I have a feeling it’s going to be an hour and a half of build up for something really stupid like the flaming rollerbladers coming in as a group and bending over so that their fire hats come together and light the cauldron. I’ve got 7:1 odds that this will be the case. Anyone want in on this? I will give it 20 more minutes. If nothing exciting happens I am tossing my butt in bed.

Oh my, they are playing “Jump” by Van Halen. I will just say it now…I used to love this song. What am I saying, I still turn the volume up if I hear it in my car and start singing while whaling on my air guitar….yup, I’m admitting this.

Ok Bob just basically slammed the cross country skier from Thailand saying “if he has any shot at all”. Nice Bob! Why don’t you just put him on a plane back to Thailand with the big loser medal? I hate Bob.

Commercial

15 minutes until I check out, unless something really interesting happens in those 15 minutes.

Here comes Italy…and the crowd goes wild!! Get out the cow bells people, this is the time to let them ring! It looks as if they are wearing jackets made out of aluminum foil with fir around the collars, interesting choice but then again they love disco music so go figure.

Commercial

11 minutes until this thing gets shut off.

Here comes the torch through the streets of Torino. How will it be lit? We won’t find out until we have another dance number. This one includes drummers and horn blowers and flag throwers…all choreographed…and all in tights. Actually kind of cool, however just light the damn flame! 6 minutes.

Some obvious comments made by my friends Bob and Brian…things everyone already knows. Did you know that Italy is shaped like a boot?! Why no I didn’t! Good thing I am watching the Olympics and listening to B&B as I will now refer to them.

Flying balloons and people now…not really sure where this is going, but it’s not going to light a torch anytime soon I can tell you that. 4 minutes.

This would be the second time in 30 minutes that B&B has referenced the weather now compared to last night. They’re loosing their knack for useless knowledge since considering this has been repeated. 3 minutes.

More flames coming out of the stage. Is this it?! Please tell me it is! No! It’s a man throwing flames around the stage and dancing. For a second there I thought it would be something exciting to keep me awake, but alas it’s not. So that’s it. I’m going to bed, my pillow is calling my name…OH WAIT! We went from a ring leader type costume with instrumental music to him taking off his clothes and hat and getting into a skin colored uni-tard (laugh again) and a mow hawk with techno music! Those crazy Italians! I have to watch this…it’s like a car wreck. I want to turn away, but once you start you can’t stop. You need your fix, you have to have it, you can’t continue without it.

Are you kidding? Now they are showing a Ferrari and people acting like they are changing the tires and racing? We went from the Olympics to NASCAR in about 2.4 seconds. Is it going to go…YES! YES IT IS! It’s going at a snails pace around the stadium while there is a soundtrack of racing cars going off in the stands to make us think it’s going faster than it really is. Now it’s doing doughnuts AND they’ve got a camera from inside the car so you can see what it looks like from the driver’s point of view! SWEET! Helmet cam! Complete with lots of fireworks when it’s done burning some rubber! Commercial, oh man, I am so staying up for at least 10 more minutes.

Maybe I shouldn’t have stayed up. All I’m hearing is Olympic big wigs give speeches. It’s like when the academy awards are on and they have the geeks in suits with briefcases handcuffed to their arms come out and talk about some boring crap none of us care about. I’m not sure which is worse, this guy talking about whatever he’s talking about, or B&B discussing weather for the 3rd time. Oh good, the podium got passed to the IOC president. He’s discussing how to play fairly, and with sportsmanship and refusing doping. I wonder if the Greeks had a speech about not doping up before the games way back in the day?

Ok, we’re passing the mic to another old guy with really bushy eyebrows declaring the games open or something. Torch please…does anyone in the house have a torch? Anyone? A lighter will do at this point, a match…hell let’s rub two sticks together.

Commercial.

Olympic flag being brought in the stadium with a bunch of women of distinction carrying it. Complete with Sophia Loren and Susan Sarandon. Interesting choice.

God, another commercial

Oh good, more dancing. Now this is the point of no return. I’ve stayed up half an hour longer than I said I was going to, so at this point I might as well just stay up the extra half hour to see the stupid cauldron lighting. This better be good! There better be some major fire stunts happening when they light this thing. Maybe the Ferrari will burn some more rubber and then come roaring down a hill and over all the Olympic athletes like Evil Kinevil and over the cauldron while lighting it from above…I should go into Olympic opening ceremony planning. I wonder if you have to take a class for that? Maybe there is an Olympic degree or something you have to get. I’ll look into it and get back to you for those who want to help.

Ah! Yoko Ono is yelling into the microphone some poem taken from her late husbands’ song. Note to Yoko…take off the sunglasses, its dark out, nighttime, and just plain rude! This right here is the ultimate low point of these ceremonies…unless her hat/helmet bursts into flames and she strips down to a uni-tard.


Ok, so now we have Peter Gabriel singing John Lennon’s song…not too bad but I keep expecting Phil Collins to break out the drums and come in with some dramatic style.

OK! This is it!! The torch is in the stadium…finally. It would really suck if someone fell as they were running into the stadium and it went out, funny, but horrible. Ok, we’re passing the torch to the next person that gets to run with it. Isn’t it unsafe to run with fire? I don’t know maybe I just get nervous when it comes to running with flames. Ok, now handing it off to the 3rd person…only a few more to go…the stadium can’t be that big. It must be hard to run with one hand holding up a torch while waving with the other. I’ll have to try it next time I go jogging. Ok, 4th person. Here she comes running around the corner…don’t catch your hat on fire. Now onto the 5th person who will light the cauldron. How will it be done?! The suspense is killing me! Ohhhhh! I will honestly say that was pretty cool. She lit a fuse and lots of fireworks went off in sequence as it went around the stadium and lit the cauldron. Nicely done Italy…nicely done. My braided hair, furry, fuzzy, fire hats off to you!

Ok, I don’t need to stick around for the last 20 minutes of watching all the athletes dance and get jiggy with it while they party on until dawn. So I’m calling it a night…too much excitement in one night isn’t good for you.

Here’s to the next 17 days of healthy competition and history making moments in sports!

I’m spent.

Olympic opening ceremonies stats:
Total dance numbers…at least 12
Total flags shown…at least 256
Total number of ugly costumes/gear…I’m going to go with 23
Total times Uni-tards were mentioned in this blog…5
Total number of times you laughed when the word uni-tard came up…you’ll have to count yourself.